I’m hiding behind him because the superficial world, the chamki world, the world of aggression and competition tempts me too much. I love it, I thrive in it………. but I don’t want to spend all my time and life there.
Its empty and it also depresses me…. a lot.
I’m using him as a shield.
I’m also saying Protect me, Hide me, Take Care of me.
Sometimes he does…. sometimes he says, Honey, I gotta go right now. (or something like that!)
I’m also hiding because I feel too thin, too flat to come out and be photographed.
Besides its a great way to touch him, to hug him. He makes me desperate, what can I say.
(Photo taken by Jyotindra at Sush’s Chitt Park home in early 2002. Much before Shaadi)
In November 2008, 2 months after Naseem was born, I retrieved this photo from a heap inside a drawer, dusted it and put it up on my notice board. I could see it when I was nursing the baby, after I had yelled at my daughters, when I felt lonely, lost, hungry and angry.
I looked at it and wondered why I had put it up. There was a reason why but I took my time to understand what.
It was a cross connection time.
Last year, after NamNam was born, I needed to hide, to hold, to be protected. I was exhausted and weak, happy and disturbed. I wanted a shield.
Last year, after Nam Nam was born, he really had to go. (Maybe he had to run, that might be how he felt. To his credit, he didn’t)