I have copied this post from an old mail from the bottom of an e-mail box. Sahar turned 7 years old this month. I wrote this when I was 7 months pregnant with her.
23 January, 2003
I was so busy when we were together, trying to get well, trying to get
married, trying to look good, trying to please the new family, trying to work, but I was happy most of this time.
I go to the loo a lot and there is this mirror in which I can see my
watermelon stomach when I begin to undress. Whatever may be on my mind when I enter the loo, I always start laughing when I see you inside me.
The sight makes me laugh, grin idiotically. I am very happy with you, you are going to change my life completely. Hopefully we will always
remember the footloose times of my twenties (of course we will, there is no need to
I was saying, you are going to change my life completely. We are
going to make sure that we have a lot of fun together. There are two very
strong images in my mind. You and I running on a beach and kicking a ball
around. Daddy, Abbu must be sitting somewhere nearby watching us or
maybe not watching us. He’s an old man, maybe he will grow younger as we go along.
The other image is also playing.
There used to be a very sentimental maternal poem we learnt in junior
school. About a mother reliving her childhood all over again as she
brings up baby. Just remembered it as I write to you.
And did I tell you, whatever mood I may be in, specially these days when
Afzal sees a mixture of exhaustion, frustration and anger in my
expression……whatever mood I may be in, however upset, when you move
inside, I smile. And feel peaceful. Its a way of being reminded that
nothing else matters. Just relax. Cliched but true.
I met Rubina today, she’s a new Mom. She suggested Rifa. Apparently it
means dignity. I like the meaning, am not totally satisfied with the
sound. I like the sound of Fiza.
How about Nargis ?
Now we are going to be travelling to a beautiful place. Stay warm inside
me, be comfortable and relax, we are going to take care of you, my
What are we going to call you if you are a boy……MY BABYLOU?
Sahar was born in 2003. We were in Port Blair, Andaman and Nicobar Islands. Afzal, my Mum and I.